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December 3rd, 2006
02:40 am - Canadian Ravens
My roommate crashes into the room with his girlfriend, slurring and stumbling drunk, and reaches into his pocket.
"I have something for you"
Rachel leaves the room.
He takes out a handful of condoms.
"Here you go, I don't need them."
I don't know how to react to this at first.
"You don't understand" I say. "I might have a problem using them before the expiration date"
I look at the condoms.
"What does 'skin less skin' mean?"
"What does 'dual pleasure' entail?"
There are two of each.
Four condoms--"I should be good for at least four years" I tell him.
But he's not listening. The condoms are in my hand now, so I stuff them into my desk drawer.
"Wait, why don't you need---nevermind, I don't want to know."
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November 18th, 2006
02:05 am - And.......go.
Ah, my old digital confidante. You are always here for me when I need you. No complaining, no emotions. You let me use you as my emotional dumpster and right now I feel like taking out the trash.
Of course, I'm not really talking to you. The randomness that can happen through search engines and other such wonders, people can stumble across this page, and there's always the chance that one of my friends will bother reading the dreck.
So I'm not really writing to my journal so much as anyone who cares to read it.
...
Dear: The World
I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. This is not a bad thing. It keeps me on my toes. Nora and I split up so to speak. See, when someone just uses you as their emotional dumpster, the relationship can't go on for long. And that's all I was to her. She took advantage of a guy who was just too sympathetic for his own good.
Not to dissuade my friends from coming to me for help. Because there's a fine line between being being used and being a friend. When a person crosses that line, I nix them from my life.
Is that running away, or being assertive?
Maybe its the same thing.
Last night I told Brad that I was moving out--that it's too hard being his roommate with dating my best friend here. It was so hard for me to finally say it. I was nervous, and really sad. The thing is, you get attatched to the people you live with. But I don't think I'm cut out to live with people.
Lately, I've been going to bed between four and six am. Just out of insomnia. I keep people awake. I try to be quite, but it happens.
I've been watching The Simple Life on the E! channell at two am.
This is not the worst thing that can happen.
When a person breaks your heart over and over again, eventually you get fed up, and you have to leave because it's just too painful. Some relationships have been like that for me.
And me, these maudlin emotions for plutonic relationships. Still single, still...single. Still too damn picky to ever really get to know anyone.
Sometimes I feel cut off from people.
The truth is, everyone will break your heart if you keep expecting them not to be human.
But wait, that's not what happened. I'm not friends with Nora because she wasn't just human--she was just freaking the fuck out and bringing me down with her. Another fine line.
I find myself trying to walk these fine lines a lot lately. But it doesn't always work that way. Sometimes you walk the line, and well, sometimes it walks you.
But anyway: I'm still single. And most of the time, after seeing how crazy people are, I'm okay with that. Nora broke my heart, sure, but imagine if someone I was in love with did?
Which is why it is imperitive that I find someone "normal."
This is most probably something that will never happen.
It gets harder and harder to really like someone if you know that you're never going to be with them. And more and more it gets easier to predict. In order to like somebody, you have to have at least a little hope that in some fantastical way you two could somehow be together. More and more, living in reality, you realize that this pretty much never happens. You realize that you can't judge orientation by hair and clothes and behaviour. And that, effectively, you're alone, for better or for worse.
Why bother liking someone when you're know it will never happen?
I guess what I'm trying to say is, the other day I met someone who I was actually attracted to and was also, for all intensive purposes, for sure ragingly homosexual--only he ended up being a very interesting straight man.
So more and more I'm cynical because I refuse to settle. Like Josh, who liked me. I was kind of cold, but I don't want to send mixed signals. Why try a relationship when your just not attracted to the other person?
A dozen missed connections later, and one begins to wonder.
The truth is, everyone will break your heart if you keep expecting them not to.
Not that I'm pessimistic.
My glass IS half full--only, it's full of poop.
Well, boy did I need to rant. I think I got it out of my system. Thanks for listening, world. I am now going to launch this message into the digital ether. I will be better for having done so.
Until next time...
And yours always,
The Man in Black
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November 14th, 2006
04:32 pm - for Nora
We were American Vultures
ripping our hearts out with our beaks
our eyes were twin mushroom clouds
our feathers, unsuspecting cities
becuase vultures will fight for the best seat at the dinner table
to get the best morsel of rotting flesh
so yeah, we're vultures, baby
and it ain't going to last much longer.
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August 31st, 2006
12:45 am - The Return of the Death of the Ghost of the Revenge of Belzer's Livejournal
So today was first day of classes. It went pretty smoothly. Yay! I updated for the first time in months. I demand superstar.
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April 22nd, 2006
03:24 am - Ghost Dog: Way of the Samurai
"
It is a good viewpoint to see the world as a dream. When you have something like a nightmare, you will wake up and tell yourself that it was only a dream. It is said that the world we live in is not a bit different from this.
"
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April 15th, 2006
02:37 pm - avalanche
My lack of blogging is both attributed to me being so incredibly insanely busy, and the fact that I've updating my secret blog, lost in the digital avalanche of the web. However, I thought I would just post and say that I got so fucked up last night.
It was awesome.
I finished filming my Shakespearean in magnitude ninja actioner this week, and now can focus on NOT failing out of college. Fuck yeah!
Also, ignore my last post, because I was going crazy. I mean spring is in the air, people are hooking up, except for, you know, me.
But that's cool. Because how do I get to spend this infinitely beautiful day? In the darkroom, developing prints. Wow, life is AWESOME. Ain't it?
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March 30th, 2006
02:45 pm - Just in case you wanted to know how I am
1. I've finally made friends here. Whether that's good or bad is hard to tell.
2. I'm doing really bad in school and have an absolute shit ton of work.
3. I'm busy pre-producing my ninja film which I'm filming in a couple weekends.
4. Someone wants to set me up with a girl and I'm thinking of doing it.
5. I still like Gothy Mc Goth.
6. I'm coming down with a cold.
7. I had an extended conversation on a banana-phone and instantly became the coolest kid on campus.
Now you know.
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March 7th, 2006
12:39 am - Notice:
Alex apoligizes for randomly disapearing off the face of the earth when he is supposed to be chilling with friends.
Alex wants to make clear that he loves friends that might have felt ditched at such an occurance.
Alex says that he would have been there if he could have.
Alex will refrain from talking in the third person in the future.
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March 2nd, 2006
March 1st, 2006
01:30 am - This is my best friend Spencer
So right in the middle of talking about something completely serious, my best friend Spencer writes:
madpaladin (1:22:59 AM): this reminds me of a movie I once saw.
madpaladin (1:23:16 AM): It was a sex-ed film for retarded children.
alkex22 (1:23:21 AM): HAHAHAHAHA
madpaladin (1:23:29 AM): The mother hamster was mentally handicapped.
alkex22 (1:23:30 AM): You dick.
madpaladin (1:23:32 AM): and she had babies
madpaladin (1:23:39 AM): and she kept trying to stack the babies in a pile
madpaladin (1:23:43 AM): even after they grew up
madpaladin (1:23:53 AM): she'd go around and try and grab them and put them in a pile
madpaladin (1:23:57 AM): but they'd just run away
madpaladin (1:24:48 AM): this went on and one.
madpaladin (1:24:49 AM): on*
madpaladin (1:24:52 AM): until she died
madpaladin (1:25:03 AM): but the best part of the film
madpaladin (1:25:11 AM): was that all the hamster-babies
madpaladin (1:25:17 AM): would ride the hamster wheel together
madpaladin (1:25:28 AM): and so there's like 12 mini-hamsters on this hamster wheel
madpaladin (1:25:33 AM): and one or two would get it going
madpaladin (1:25:41 AM): and then the rest would pile on
madpaladin (1:25:47 AM): and it would go really fast and they'd fling off
madpaladin (1:25:58 AM): and some would go all the way around.
madpaladin (1:26:18 AM): ...so I guess the lesson is:
madpaladin (1:26:30 AM): be a hamster, and ride the wheel with your friends to avoid getting piled by your mom
Gee...thank Spence.
Current Music: Death Cab
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electricsaltman's journal
